The start of someithg.........hopefully amazing.

In my younger years I was fearless. I loved to be the center of attention and be around people. Laughing and enjoying other peoples lives, spending time with them and creating memories is where I thrived. I loved being active and it didn't matter at what. Sports, theater, music, if something was happening I wanted to be there and I wanted to talk to and know everyone that was involved. Social outings is where I ruled. Trying something new was no big thing. I lived for the moment and was drawn in by the excitement of "what could be". I made lots of mistakes in life and had more adventures before the age of 20 then most people would care too, but I grew and changed with each of them and learned to really love who I was. At 20 years old I married an incredible man and we set our life off together by having a baby boy a little more then a year after we were married. I gained the normal amount of weight for a pregnancy and was still incredibly active all the way through. After, the weight didn't just fall off and I did not slim right back down to my super sexy size 7 body. But it was ok. I have always loved being a curvy girl and not stick straight. The curves I had now were just a little bigger and I still felt pretty smoking hot. A couple of years later we had baby number 2. My pregnancy was a nightmare. I was constantly sick, my water broke during my second trimester, and it just seemed like everything that could go wrong did. I was living in constant fear that I would lose this sweet baby growing inside me. We luckily had a pretty much healthy little girl join us (although it was a little early) and what came with her was a semi-truck collision of postpartum depression and a massive amount of weight gain post pregnancy. The curves I had now were not so smoking hot. My doctor told me that it was just hormones and that I would be good as new in time. Eighteen months after my daughter was born little boy #2 joined our family. Good as new NEVER came. I was battling major depression had three small children and was completely drowning in self doubt. I had started to eat to make myself happy. This was probably my ultimate downfall. Rather then seeking healthy active ways to deal with my stress and depression I turned to what was simple and right at hand. Something that also came with self medicating was peoples opinions and comments. This I wasn't prepared for. Walking through Walmart and having two grown woman walk behind you and not quietly make fun of your size and make loud and incredibly rude comments, and then laugh at you when you turn around to make sure that they are really actually talking about you is humiliating. I left my cart in the store aisle that night and cried in my car for the better part of an hour. From there it was all down hill. From going to a clothing store and having the associate laugh at me and say, "We don't make clothes for people your size." to being told that someone was shocked that I would even try and go to a gym because it must be a lot of effort for me being the weight I am. My self worth was at an all time low. I stopped having people over or going to events that I was invited to. My health took a huge nose dive and I started having serious health complications that landed me in the hospital on more then one occasion. I was to the point that I just stopped looking in the mirror all together. I was tired of looking at my reflection and despising the person that I had allowed myself to become. So her I am 256 lbs and hating being in this body. I have finally come to the realization that I have got to stop making excuses and do something about "Me". Do I know that change is going to be hard? Of course I do. Do I know that it's going to suck for a while to eradicate all of those awful habits that I have built up over the years? Kind of a no brainer. But here is the thing, I know what my life is going to be like if I change nothing and continue on the course that I am on. I don't want that for me. I don't want that for my family. So here is to a new journey. One with lots of ups and downs. I'm seriously crossing my fingers for more ups then downs! This is my way of being accountable. Even if no one in the world ever reads this I will know that it is there and that somehow I'm being held to a standard and that I have to follow through with my goals. So here is to week one. This week I'm going to focus on educating myself on how to be healthy. What will work with my body and family. I'm also going to commit to being active EVERY day. For some of you this may seem like a small thing but for me it is everything. Just having the energy to not collapse by noon sometimes is all I wish for. Wish me luck. This journey is going to be amazing............I just know it!