I'm back..... sort of

The last few weeks have been pretty up and down. So lets start with the good news. I did hit 228! Woohoo. I was pretty excited to step on the scale and see that number. The bad news, I got hit with a nasty virus and my weight has been all over the place since. I haven't been to the gym in a week cause every time I start moving around I cough till I pee my pants. Not attractive at all. And I definitely don't want to be doing that at the gym. Also with not feeling super well has come not making the best food choices. Me being down means I'm not cooking every meal. I've stuck to probably 80% healthy eating. But it's seriously hard when no one else will cook and I don't feel like standing for more then a few minutes at a time. I'm a little worried about the start up when I get to feeling better. I'm going to be more or less beginning from square one all over again. It's crazy how it takes so long to from a good habit but only a couple of days to break that good habit. Anyhow, I hope that whatever health journey you are on it is going well for you. As for me, lots of liquids and rest are in my future. Gotta get rid of this crud so I can get back on track.

1 Month in and so many more to go.

So yesterday was the 1 month mark. 31 days, that's how long it has been since I became completely fed up with myself and decided to do something about it. Yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed. It was Saturday I have been fighting a head cold and all my body wanted to do was stay snuggled down in the covers and enjoy a day that I didn't wake up at 5a.m. to go to the gym. And I seriously felt like giving in. It's so easy to sit in bed and enjoy a lazy Saturday morning. So I sat there snuggled in bed. . . and thought of all the Saturdays I have sat snuggled in bed enjoying a lazy Saturday morning. Letting myself get bigger and bigger. And then all I could think about was how this one morning could ruin the last 31 days of hard work, effort, and good choices I have made. 1 day could put me right back in the same rut that I have been in for the last 15 years. That thought got me up off my butt and to the gym. I made sure that I ate a good breakfast. I pushed hard and got in my weights and cardio, no slacking. Then I glanced in the mirror in the locker room on my way back to my car. I had to rush out of the gym so that I could sit in my car a cry. And oh boy did I cry. It wasn't just a little tear hear or there. It was gut wrenching sobbing ,Body shaking, give you a headache ugly crying. Looking in the mirror yesterday I didn't see a fit and happy woman, I saw a fat woman. Not as fat as I use to be but still fat. Here is the ugly truth about weight loss. There are way more downs than ups at the beginning. Making good food choices is hard. You are retraining your brain to look at and need food in a different way. Rather then living to eat you have to eat to live. I can't use food as a comfort or reward. That's a lifetime of thinking that you have to fight and reprogram. It sucks....... a lot! losing 10 lbs on a large woman is not as big of a visual impact as losing 10 lbs on a smaller woman. It just isn't I might be down 28 lbs. but I still have 90 lbs to go. Looking in the mirror I don't see a woman that has lost 28 lbs. I see a woman who looks pretty much the same. AND IT SUCKS. When you are just starting out on a weight loss program you are a freaking emotional mess. I don't care who you are. Changing who you have been for a lifetime takes an emotional toll that I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for. It's like puberty x 1000. Not pretty people. So there I was ugly crying in my car and I knew that I had to pull it together before I got home. My family has been so incredibly supportive and been amazingly kind about the changes in food at out home. I couldn't let them see me like this and think that all of their support meant nothing. I put on my happy face and walked in a kissed all my kids hello and told them I was going to run upstairs and shower before we had to head to basketball. When I got upstairs there was just no fooling Brian. He knew right away that something was wrong and was quick to let me just let it all out there. I just have to say that I am beyond blessed to have a man like him in my life. Brian is not wonderful at emotional stuff but when he gets it right, he really gets it right. Rather then just patting me on the back and telling me that it will get better he went into action. We took a picture and compared it to my before shot. He pointed out all the things that he can noticeably see that have changed over the last month. And what I really loved was that it wasn't all things that you could see with the naked eye. My outward results might not be what I want them to be right now, but the results that have changed on the inside are phenomenal. I'm grateful that I'm to a place that making a choice between a cookie and an orange is a no brainer. The drive-thru convenient food doesn't tempt me like it use to. The choice to get up and go to the gym is so much easier not then it use to be. I love that I can push myself a little more each day and feel the success in the way my body responds. I need to be patient. I know that my outward appearance will eventually match up with what I feel on the inside. I will get there. I just need to keep pushing every day. The more I do the more ups I will have. The downs will get farther apart and I wall have far fewer moments of crying in the gym parking lot. I think that the next thing that I really need to focus on is patience. That's going to be a hard one for me too. Here you go my 1 month before and after.

The hi's and the low's

Three weeks. Is that really all it's been is three weeks? Sometimes I feel like I'm in a weird warp zone where time is sped up to the equivalent of a chipmunk on an energy drink or slowed down to the speed to turtles trudging through peanut butter. Part of me can't believe that it has only been three weeks because of the progress I have made in such a short time. The other part of me can't believe that it has only been three weeks because it feels like and eternity since I have tasted a pastry. Anyhow, Today I weighed in at........wait for it..........drum roll please. 231.4!!!!!! Seriously! I broke down and cried right there in my bathroom by my scale. I have accomplished in three weeks progress what I have dreamed, cried, and fought for over the last 10+ years. There are three things that I know have helped me get to this point. The first being that I had to have the right mind set. You may laugh but this is really crucial. If you go in with the attitude that this is just one more time that you are going to yo-yo your weight loss, guess what? That is exactly what you will do. I had to 100% commit to this. I knew that with my health this very well way be the last chance that I would be able to give a 110% effort. I also couldn't afford to gain anymore weight knowing that I was already to a place that my journey was going to be a pretty difficult one. The second is my support group. I know that my husband and kids stand behind me in this. They are my biggest cheer section. They help me make healthy food choices for our meals and they eat them with me. My kids get excited when they see me put my exercise clothes on and are always asking if I feel amazing when I'm through. I text DAILY with my sisters. This has been wonderful for me! Not only do I love these two women fiercely but I know that they will be honest with me and give me both the tough love and the support that I need. I have amazing friends who (as of right now) don't get sick of me having success with my weight loss and sharing my excitement with them. You have to have good people around you that will build you up. I have found that no matter how much you are positive in your own thinking you have to surround yourself with others who will be positive with you in your journey. The final thing that I know that has helped me is itWorks! I started taking their greens to help with my stomach issues and fell in love. I decided that I would try another product that helps you with your metabolism as well. I know that taking this combined with the other healthy things that I am doing has been the key to why THIS time I am finally having success. So now that we have talked about the Hi's lets talk about some of the low's. I made a crucial mistake that I think a lot of people make when they are losing weight. I made some unrealistic goals. I thought that I could easily drop 10 lbs a week, no sweat. I was making all the right food choices, getting my mandatory water in, and making sure that I exercised 10-30 minutes everyday. Today when I stepped on the scale I honestly had a moment of disappointment. Why? Because I had set a goal to be in the 220's this week. Seeing the 231.4 on my scale was upsetting..... at least for a moment. I had to give my self an internal shake. 231 is AMAZING!! In three weeks I have lost a little over 25 lbs. How dare I be disappointed about that!?! For just a moment I told myself if I would just eat less, if I would just push myself a little more. See what was starting to happen there? I was venturing into an unhealthy place because I was obsessing about unrealistic weight loss goals. What was I going to eat less of? I have been eating healthy and only putting good things into my body. If I eat less I will be starving myself which is completely counterproductive to weight loss. Skipping meals or going hungry is a BIG NO NO when you are trying to lose weight. How was I going to push myself harder with out hurting myself? I'm already getting in a good amount of cardio and strength training for what my skill level is at. I had to give my brain a good jolt and recognize that the problem here wasn't the amount of work I was putting in. The problem was my unrealistic expectations of what my results should be. I know that if I'm going to be successful in this I have to keep a realistic perspective. A 25 lb weight loss in 3 weeks is phenomenal! It is most certainly not a number to be disappointed in. So with my mind back to where it should be and the eating healthy and keeping active getting easier I'm ready to set a new goal for next week. I know that setting a reachable goal and making it or exceeding it is going to be far healthier then setting an outrageous one and being disappointed when I don't get there; but I don't want to low ball it too much because it is important to have something to work hard for. The stress of finding the perfect medium! UGH!!!!! OK so for this next week I'm going to work on toning and losing 4 lbs. That will put me in the 220's which is a good happy working place. Cheer me on and I will promise to work my hardest and post for next week. Good luck to anyone else who is also starting or maybe continuing a weight loss journey! I know that we can all rock this if we just do it the right way!!

Sugar, bread, and Arby's....... oh my!!

Looking back I have to chuckle at myself for thinking that last week was hard. You want to know what is REALLY hard? Trying to make healthy food choices and being active while you are P.M.S'ing. My poor family. To give you an idea of where my mind set is, last night I dreamed that I held an Arby's up at gun point and demanded that they hand over all of the fries and mozzarella sticks. Yeah, the struggle is real folks. That being said I have buckled down and stuck to my plan and hopefully next week it will pay off on the scale. I decided to not weigh in this week because of all the wonderful bloating and fun things that happen to your body while your monthly friend visits. It's best not to be discouraged right at the beginning right?! So lets cover what has been going on the last 9 days. Cutting out sugar has been murder. Seriously I see red sometimes and just want to binge on spoonful's of sugar. It's like a drug addiction and I'm having serious withdrawals. Snacking on raw almonds has helped curb the cravings but I promise you they are still there. BREAD!! I crave it constantly. This is even harder then giving up on sugar. I know that for me by body hoards carbs. Has anyone watched Hoarders before? I watched an episode earlier this week and all I could think about is that the inside of my body looks like one of those houses. Piles and piles of trash that I have accumulated over time. A late night "adult" treat after the kids go to bed at the time seemed like such a wonderful and indulgent thing. Now it is just a stack of old garbage in my body. I'm that lady sitting in a chair sorting through all of the things that I once thought were so important and pretty realizing that I have actually filled my home up with trash and been totally content to live in it. GROSS!!! Being able to visualize things this way helps me keep things in perspective and keeps me motivated to continue to make what right now seems like impossible choices. Does that slice of Cheesecake look beautiful and tempting? Of course it does. But it's just adding more of the same garbage to the already enormous stacks of fat that I have hoarded up in my body. I know that more then anything I need to change my frame of mind. Exercising and eating healthy are important but in the long run it will end up being a band-aid on my weight and health. What I also need to do is fix my way of thinking. I need to find a healthy way for my mind and body to cope with stress and depression. I need to find another way of letting my mind feel like it is being rewarded or treated. I have programmed myself to reward or celebrate things by eating. A special treat or meal have been my go to for so long that I need to have and absolute and complete change in my mind set. I have also used food as a comfort for when things are difficult and I can't cope with life. I remember a time when I would just go and ride my bike or go for a walk when I felt overwhelmed or low. It would always lift me up and I would feel better. How have I let myself detour from that mentality? Recognizing all of this has been a really good step for me in the right direction. Identifying my weaknesses has helped to be able to notice when I gravitate to doing them. The second part that has helped me is being accountable to someone other then myself. The last few weeks I have been daily texting with my sisters. We all have different health goals and are all on a different level with our bodies and self-image. I'm just going to come right out with it. They are both beautiful and skinny. I know that they would probably both disagree with me but they are. I love having them to talk to everyday. It's been incredibly helpful to have 2 people that I love to go to with my goals. We tell each other our triumphs and admit our slip ups. But what is important through it all is that we build each other up. Even though they have different goals then me I love seeing them work toward those goals and seeing us all succeed. Knowing that I would have to tell these two if I give into the siren song of the ever tempting carb helps keep me motivated to not venture over to the dark side. If there is any advice that I could give to someone out there trying to lose weight, I would say to find a support group. Stay in contact with people that you feel comfortable being at your most vulnerable with. This is imperative! You will find the whole process so much easier if you do it with people you love and feel safe with but who will also give tough love on the days that you feel like robbing Arby's. I'm looking forward to that scale in a week to see what all of the hard work I'm putting in translates to in numbers. I thought that I would share this picture just so that I have a place to go to when I need a reminder of where I started. This is me in all of my 256lb glory at the beginning of this journey. Looking at this right now brings tears to my eyes as I see the physical evidence of what I have done to myself. I hope that in December this picture will bring tears to my eyes for a completely different reason. I'm so ready for a new and better me. She is just around the corner!

1 week down...............

So they say that the first 2 weeks are the hardest. What they don't tell you is that the first week is actually HELL ON EARTH! Starting a healthy life and getting back on track is hard when there are remnants of your old life everywhere. That delicious bag of potato chips taunting you with its colorful wrapping. It calls to you as you look in the pantry for something healthy to make for lunch. You deceive yourself by thinking if I just stay to the portion size it will be fine. That's what portion sizes are for right? WRONG! 11 chips, who can eat JUST 11 CHIPS? Apparently not this girl. I justify. . . horribly. "That one was broken so it's only 1/3 of a chip. These aren't uniform in size so these two smaller chips equal 1 normal chip." Devil chips with their flashy wrapping and delicious goodness. People, the struggle is real! And lets not even start in on bread. I'm absolutely convinced that my local grocery store is out to sabotage me. Their bakery is right next to the produce, RIGHT NEXT TO IT! I can smell the baked goodness as I'm pawing through brussel sprouts. My eyes wander longingly over to that corner as I put kale in my cart. It beckons to me like a long lost friend promising happiness and comfort as I'm perusing peaches and plums. So I have made up my mind. While I'm in my weekend state I'm going to just have to shop somewhere that has their bakery at the complete opposite side of the store. I'm serious. I just feel to fragile to test myself with those kind of vices. It's a problem. So on a more serious note I did have success this last week despite my stumbles. I did a lot of research and found that water is going to be my best friend. Our bodies are made up of about 60% water. Every system in our bodies depend on it whether it's to flush toxins out of vital organs or to help carry nutrients to our cells. I was surprised by how much water we lose from our system on a daily basis. Even when we breathe we lose water, that's crazy. I can tell you for a fact I have not been good in the past about making sure that I'm hydrating myself enough. So this was the first thing that I decided to focus on. And spoiler alert it was harder then I thought it would be. I know what you are thinking. "Really, Tye? Drinking water is hard for you? You are such a pansy" And my answer would be, "Um Yeah lay off jerk face!" Sure I drink when I'm thirsty, or have a glass of water with a meal but as I added it up I'm way under what I should be drinking every day. I had to force myself to be aware of how much I was putting into my body especially on days that I am more active. So an average healthy adult woman should be drinking about 2.2 liters of water a day according to the Mayo clinic. That's roughly 9 8oz cups. Well, as we all know I'm neither average nor am I healthy. I'm fabulously fat curvy. I need to be drinking more along the lines of 3 liters of water because of my size. Now if I add in exercise to my day I need to account for the extra water loss, so now I'm up to a gallon of water. Yep you read that right I need to be drinking a gallon of water every day. Believe me when I did all the math and then opened up my fridge to look at my gallon of milk for size reference I couldn't help but laugh. It seemed impossible. The first day I made it about half way through the gallon, meaning I didn't even get in what I should just be drinking on a daily basis with out exercise. A little discouraging but I wasn't about to give up. I had to come up with a way to consciously remind myself to drink water. So I pulled out my trusty Jack Skellington water bottle and started toting it around with me everywhere. In the car, at the store, doing chores in my house. It has been so helpful! I also got a gallon water bottle and marked it off so I would know how much I need to drink and when. Doing this helped tremendously! Now for the disclaimer: You are going to need to uhhhhh ummmmm tinkle........ a lot. Like prego lady a lot. You have been warned so don't come complaining to me when you have to use and icky public restroom because you are getting in your necessary water. It will pay off I promise! How do I know this you ask? Today I weighed in at 252 lbs ! WHOOT WHOOT! (Insert fist pump and happy dance!) That's 4lbs down in just 1 week and all I have changed is eating healthier and drinking the water that my body needs. Did I have days that I screwed up and fell back into nasty habits? You bet I did. But I just woke up and started the next day like a new day and put the previous day behind me. I have found that having a positive attitude and surrounding myself with others that have a can do attitude has been really key this last week. All right so on to week 2. I promise that I will drink all my water everyday. I will avoid eye contact with all baked goods and flashy dressed bags of chips and make healthy eating choices. Just gotta make it over that 2 week bump and I will be able to pat myself on the back and set some new goals!

The start of someithg.........hopefully amazing.

In my younger years I was fearless. I loved to be the center of attention and be around people. Laughing and enjoying other peoples lives, spending time with them and creating memories is where I thrived. I loved being active and it didn't matter at what. Sports, theater, music, if something was happening I wanted to be there and I wanted to talk to and know everyone that was involved. Social outings is where I ruled. Trying something new was no big thing. I lived for the moment and was drawn in by the excitement of "what could be". I made lots of mistakes in life and had more adventures before the age of 20 then most people would care too, but I grew and changed with each of them and learned to really love who I was. At 20 years old I married an incredible man and we set our life off together by having a baby boy a little more then a year after we were married. I gained the normal amount of weight for a pregnancy and was still incredibly active all the way through. After, the weight didn't just fall off and I did not slim right back down to my super sexy size 7 body. But it was ok. I have always loved being a curvy girl and not stick straight. The curves I had now were just a little bigger and I still felt pretty smoking hot. A couple of years later we had baby number 2. My pregnancy was a nightmare. I was constantly sick, my water broke during my second trimester, and it just seemed like everything that could go wrong did. I was living in constant fear that I would lose this sweet baby growing inside me. We luckily had a pretty much healthy little girl join us (although it was a little early) and what came with her was a semi-truck collision of postpartum depression and a massive amount of weight gain post pregnancy. The curves I had now were not so smoking hot. My doctor told me that it was just hormones and that I would be good as new in time. Eighteen months after my daughter was born little boy #2 joined our family. Good as new NEVER came. I was battling major depression had three small children and was completely drowning in self doubt. I had started to eat to make myself happy. This was probably my ultimate downfall. Rather then seeking healthy active ways to deal with my stress and depression I turned to what was simple and right at hand. Something that also came with self medicating was peoples opinions and comments. This I wasn't prepared for. Walking through Walmart and having two grown woman walk behind you and not quietly make fun of your size and make loud and incredibly rude comments, and then laugh at you when you turn around to make sure that they are really actually talking about you is humiliating. I left my cart in the store aisle that night and cried in my car for the better part of an hour. From there it was all down hill. From going to a clothing store and having the associate laugh at me and say, "We don't make clothes for people your size." to being told that someone was shocked that I would even try and go to a gym because it must be a lot of effort for me being the weight I am. My self worth was at an all time low. I stopped having people over or going to events that I was invited to. My health took a huge nose dive and I started having serious health complications that landed me in the hospital on more then one occasion. I was to the point that I just stopped looking in the mirror all together. I was tired of looking at my reflection and despising the person that I had allowed myself to become. So her I am 256 lbs and hating being in this body. I have finally come to the realization that I have got to stop making excuses and do something about "Me". Do I know that change is going to be hard? Of course I do. Do I know that it's going to suck for a while to eradicate all of those awful habits that I have built up over the years? Kind of a no brainer. But here is the thing, I know what my life is going to be like if I change nothing and continue on the course that I am on. I don't want that for me. I don't want that for my family. So here is to a new journey. One with lots of ups and downs. I'm seriously crossing my fingers for more ups then downs! This is my way of being accountable. Even if no one in the world ever reads this I will know that it is there and that somehow I'm being held to a standard and that I have to follow through with my goals. So here is to week one. This week I'm going to focus on educating myself on how to be healthy. What will work with my body and family. I'm also going to commit to being active EVERY day. For some of you this may seem like a small thing but for me it is everything. Just having the energy to not collapse by noon sometimes is all I wish for. Wish me luck. This journey is going to be amazing............I just know it!