1 Month in and so many more to go.

So yesterday was the 1 month mark. 31 days, that's how long it has been since I became completely fed up with myself and decided to do something about it. Yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed. It was Saturday I have been fighting a head cold and all my body wanted to do was stay snuggled down in the covers and enjoy a day that I didn't wake up at 5a.m. to go to the gym. And I seriously felt like giving in. It's so easy to sit in bed and enjoy a lazy Saturday morning. So I sat there snuggled in bed. . . and thought of all the Saturdays I have sat snuggled in bed enjoying a lazy Saturday morning. Letting myself get bigger and bigger. And then all I could think about was how this one morning could ruin the last 31 days of hard work, effort, and good choices I have made. 1 day could put me right back in the same rut that I have been in for the last 15 years. That thought got me up off my butt and to the gym. I made sure that I ate a good breakfast. I pushed hard and got in my weights and cardio, no slacking. Then I glanced in the mirror in the locker room on my way back to my car. I had to rush out of the gym so that I could sit in my car a cry. And oh boy did I cry. It wasn't just a little tear hear or there. It was gut wrenching sobbing ,Body shaking, give you a headache ugly crying. Looking in the mirror yesterday I didn't see a fit and happy woman, I saw a fat woman. Not as fat as I use to be but still fat. Here is the ugly truth about weight loss. There are way more downs than ups at the beginning. Making good food choices is hard. You are retraining your brain to look at and need food in a different way. Rather then living to eat you have to eat to live. I can't use food as a comfort or reward. That's a lifetime of thinking that you have to fight and reprogram. It sucks....... a lot! losing 10 lbs on a large woman is not as big of a visual impact as losing 10 lbs on a smaller woman. It just isn't I might be down 28 lbs. but I still have 90 lbs to go. Looking in the mirror I don't see a woman that has lost 28 lbs. I see a woman who looks pretty much the same. AND IT SUCKS. When you are just starting out on a weight loss program you are a freaking emotional mess. I don't care who you are. Changing who you have been for a lifetime takes an emotional toll that I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for. It's like puberty x 1000. Not pretty people. So there I was ugly crying in my car and I knew that I had to pull it together before I got home. My family has been so incredibly supportive and been amazingly kind about the changes in food at out home. I couldn't let them see me like this and think that all of their support meant nothing. I put on my happy face and walked in a kissed all my kids hello and told them I was going to run upstairs and shower before we had to head to basketball. When I got upstairs there was just no fooling Brian. He knew right away that something was wrong and was quick to let me just let it all out there. I just have to say that I am beyond blessed to have a man like him in my life. Brian is not wonderful at emotional stuff but when he gets it right, he really gets it right. Rather then just patting me on the back and telling me that it will get better he went into action. We took a picture and compared it to my before shot. He pointed out all the things that he can noticeably see that have changed over the last month. And what I really loved was that it wasn't all things that you could see with the naked eye. My outward results might not be what I want them to be right now, but the results that have changed on the inside are phenomenal. I'm grateful that I'm to a place that making a choice between a cookie and an orange is a no brainer. The drive-thru convenient food doesn't tempt me like it use to. The choice to get up and go to the gym is so much easier not then it use to be. I love that I can push myself a little more each day and feel the success in the way my body responds. I need to be patient. I know that my outward appearance will eventually match up with what I feel on the inside. I will get there. I just need to keep pushing every day. The more I do the more ups I will have. The downs will get farther apart and I wall have far fewer moments of crying in the gym parking lot. I think that the next thing that I really need to focus on is patience. That's going to be a hard one for me too. Here you go my 1 month before and after.

The hi's and the low's

Three weeks. Is that really all it's been is three weeks? Sometimes I feel like I'm in a weird warp zone where time is sped up to the equivalent of a chipmunk on an energy drink or slowed down to the speed to turtles trudging through peanut butter. Part of me can't believe that it has only been three weeks because of the progress I have made in such a short time. The other part of me can't believe that it has only been three weeks because it feels like and eternity since I have tasted a pastry. Anyhow, Today I weighed in at........wait for it..........drum roll please. 231.4!!!!!! Seriously! I broke down and cried right there in my bathroom by my scale. I have accomplished in three weeks progress what I have dreamed, cried, and fought for over the last 10+ years. There are three things that I know have helped me get to this point. The first being that I had to have the right mind set. You may laugh but this is really crucial. If you go in with the attitude that this is just one more time that you are going to yo-yo your weight loss, guess what? That is exactly what you will do. I had to 100% commit to this. I knew that with my health this very well way be the last chance that I would be able to give a 110% effort. I also couldn't afford to gain anymore weight knowing that I was already to a place that my journey was going to be a pretty difficult one. The second is my support group. I know that my husband and kids stand behind me in this. They are my biggest cheer section. They help me make healthy food choices for our meals and they eat them with me. My kids get excited when they see me put my exercise clothes on and are always asking if I feel amazing when I'm through. I text DAILY with my sisters. This has been wonderful for me! Not only do I love these two women fiercely but I know that they will be honest with me and give me both the tough love and the support that I need. I have amazing friends who (as of right now) don't get sick of me having success with my weight loss and sharing my excitement with them. You have to have good people around you that will build you up. I have found that no matter how much you are positive in your own thinking you have to surround yourself with others who will be positive with you in your journey. The final thing that I know that has helped me is itWorks! I started taking their greens to help with my stomach issues and fell in love. I decided that I would try another product that helps you with your metabolism as well. I know that taking this combined with the other healthy things that I am doing has been the key to why THIS time I am finally having success. So now that we have talked about the Hi's lets talk about some of the low's. I made a crucial mistake that I think a lot of people make when they are losing weight. I made some unrealistic goals. I thought that I could easily drop 10 lbs a week, no sweat. I was making all the right food choices, getting my mandatory water in, and making sure that I exercised 10-30 minutes everyday. Today when I stepped on the scale I honestly had a moment of disappointment. Why? Because I had set a goal to be in the 220's this week. Seeing the 231.4 on my scale was upsetting..... at least for a moment. I had to give my self an internal shake. 231 is AMAZING!! In three weeks I have lost a little over 25 lbs. How dare I be disappointed about that!?! For just a moment I told myself if I would just eat less, if I would just push myself a little more. See what was starting to happen there? I was venturing into an unhealthy place because I was obsessing about unrealistic weight loss goals. What was I going to eat less of? I have been eating healthy and only putting good things into my body. If I eat less I will be starving myself which is completely counterproductive to weight loss. Skipping meals or going hungry is a BIG NO NO when you are trying to lose weight. How was I going to push myself harder with out hurting myself? I'm already getting in a good amount of cardio and strength training for what my skill level is at. I had to give my brain a good jolt and recognize that the problem here wasn't the amount of work I was putting in. The problem was my unrealistic expectations of what my results should be. I know that if I'm going to be successful in this I have to keep a realistic perspective. A 25 lb weight loss in 3 weeks is phenomenal! It is most certainly not a number to be disappointed in. So with my mind back to where it should be and the eating healthy and keeping active getting easier I'm ready to set a new goal for next week. I know that setting a reachable goal and making it or exceeding it is going to be far healthier then setting an outrageous one and being disappointed when I don't get there; but I don't want to low ball it too much because it is important to have something to work hard for. The stress of finding the perfect medium! UGH!!!!! OK so for this next week I'm going to work on toning and losing 4 lbs. That will put me in the 220's which is a good happy working place. Cheer me on and I will promise to work my hardest and post for next week. Good luck to anyone else who is also starting or maybe continuing a weight loss journey! I know that we can all rock this if we just do it the right way!!

Sugar, bread, and Arby's....... oh my!!

Looking back I have to chuckle at myself for thinking that last week was hard. You want to know what is REALLY hard? Trying to make healthy food choices and being active while you are P.M.S'ing. My poor family. To give you an idea of where my mind set is, last night I dreamed that I held an Arby's up at gun point and demanded that they hand over all of the fries and mozzarella sticks. Yeah, the struggle is real folks. That being said I have buckled down and stuck to my plan and hopefully next week it will pay off on the scale. I decided to not weigh in this week because of all the wonderful bloating and fun things that happen to your body while your monthly friend visits. It's best not to be discouraged right at the beginning right?! So lets cover what has been going on the last 9 days. Cutting out sugar has been murder. Seriously I see red sometimes and just want to binge on spoonful's of sugar. It's like a drug addiction and I'm having serious withdrawals. Snacking on raw almonds has helped curb the cravings but I promise you they are still there. BREAD!! I crave it constantly. This is even harder then giving up on sugar. I know that for me by body hoards carbs. Has anyone watched Hoarders before? I watched an episode earlier this week and all I could think about is that the inside of my body looks like one of those houses. Piles and piles of trash that I have accumulated over time. A late night "adult" treat after the kids go to bed at the time seemed like such a wonderful and indulgent thing. Now it is just a stack of old garbage in my body. I'm that lady sitting in a chair sorting through all of the things that I once thought were so important and pretty realizing that I have actually filled my home up with trash and been totally content to live in it. GROSS!!! Being able to visualize things this way helps me keep things in perspective and keeps me motivated to continue to make what right now seems like impossible choices. Does that slice of Cheesecake look beautiful and tempting? Of course it does. But it's just adding more of the same garbage to the already enormous stacks of fat that I have hoarded up in my body. I know that more then anything I need to change my frame of mind. Exercising and eating healthy are important but in the long run it will end up being a band-aid on my weight and health. What I also need to do is fix my way of thinking. I need to find a healthy way for my mind and body to cope with stress and depression. I need to find another way of letting my mind feel like it is being rewarded or treated. I have programmed myself to reward or celebrate things by eating. A special treat or meal have been my go to for so long that I need to have and absolute and complete change in my mind set. I have also used food as a comfort for when things are difficult and I can't cope with life. I remember a time when I would just go and ride my bike or go for a walk when I felt overwhelmed or low. It would always lift me up and I would feel better. How have I let myself detour from that mentality? Recognizing all of this has been a really good step for me in the right direction. Identifying my weaknesses has helped to be able to notice when I gravitate to doing them. The second part that has helped me is being accountable to someone other then myself. The last few weeks I have been daily texting with my sisters. We all have different health goals and are all on a different level with our bodies and self-image. I'm just going to come right out with it. They are both beautiful and skinny. I know that they would probably both disagree with me but they are. I love having them to talk to everyday. It's been incredibly helpful to have 2 people that I love to go to with my goals. We tell each other our triumphs and admit our slip ups. But what is important through it all is that we build each other up. Even though they have different goals then me I love seeing them work toward those goals and seeing us all succeed. Knowing that I would have to tell these two if I give into the siren song of the ever tempting carb helps keep me motivated to not venture over to the dark side. If there is any advice that I could give to someone out there trying to lose weight, I would say to find a support group. Stay in contact with people that you feel comfortable being at your most vulnerable with. This is imperative! You will find the whole process so much easier if you do it with people you love and feel safe with but who will also give tough love on the days that you feel like robbing Arby's. I'm looking forward to that scale in a week to see what all of the hard work I'm putting in translates to in numbers. I thought that I would share this picture just so that I have a place to go to when I need a reminder of where I started. This is me in all of my 256lb glory at the beginning of this journey. Looking at this right now brings tears to my eyes as I see the physical evidence of what I have done to myself. I hope that in December this picture will bring tears to my eyes for a completely different reason. I'm so ready for a new and better me. She is just around the corner!