1 Month in and so many more to go.

So yesterday was the 1 month mark. 31 days, that's how long it has been since I became completely fed up with myself and decided to do something about it. Yesterday I didn't want to get out of bed. It was Saturday I have been fighting a head cold and all my body wanted to do was stay snuggled down in the covers and enjoy a day that I didn't wake up at 5a.m. to go to the gym. And I seriously felt like giving in. It's so easy to sit in bed and enjoy a lazy Saturday morning. So I sat there snuggled in bed. . . and thought of all the Saturdays I have sat snuggled in bed enjoying a lazy Saturday morning. Letting myself get bigger and bigger. And then all I could think about was how this one morning could ruin the last 31 days of hard work, effort, and good choices I have made. 1 day could put me right back in the same rut that I have been in for the last 15 years. That thought got me up off my butt and to the gym. I made sure that I ate a good breakfast. I pushed hard and got in my weights and cardio, no slacking. Then I glanced in the mirror in the locker room on my way back to my car. I had to rush out of the gym so that I could sit in my car a cry. And oh boy did I cry. It wasn't just a little tear hear or there. It was gut wrenching sobbing ,Body shaking, give you a headache ugly crying. Looking in the mirror yesterday I didn't see a fit and happy woman, I saw a fat woman. Not as fat as I use to be but still fat. Here is the ugly truth about weight loss. There are way more downs than ups at the beginning. Making good food choices is hard. You are retraining your brain to look at and need food in a different way. Rather then living to eat you have to eat to live. I can't use food as a comfort or reward. That's a lifetime of thinking that you have to fight and reprogram. It sucks....... a lot! losing 10 lbs on a large woman is not as big of a visual impact as losing 10 lbs on a smaller woman. It just isn't I might be down 28 lbs. but I still have 90 lbs to go. Looking in the mirror I don't see a woman that has lost 28 lbs. I see a woman who looks pretty much the same. AND IT SUCKS. When you are just starting out on a weight loss program you are a freaking emotional mess. I don't care who you are. Changing who you have been for a lifetime takes an emotional toll that I don't think anyone can fully prepare themselves for. It's like puberty x 1000. Not pretty people. So there I was ugly crying in my car and I knew that I had to pull it together before I got home. My family has been so incredibly supportive and been amazingly kind about the changes in food at out home. I couldn't let them see me like this and think that all of their support meant nothing. I put on my happy face and walked in a kissed all my kids hello and told them I was going to run upstairs and shower before we had to head to basketball. When I got upstairs there was just no fooling Brian. He knew right away that something was wrong and was quick to let me just let it all out there. I just have to say that I am beyond blessed to have a man like him in my life. Brian is not wonderful at emotional stuff but when he gets it right, he really gets it right. Rather then just patting me on the back and telling me that it will get better he went into action. We took a picture and compared it to my before shot. He pointed out all the things that he can noticeably see that have changed over the last month. And what I really loved was that it wasn't all things that you could see with the naked eye. My outward results might not be what I want them to be right now, but the results that have changed on the inside are phenomenal. I'm grateful that I'm to a place that making a choice between a cookie and an orange is a no brainer. The drive-thru convenient food doesn't tempt me like it use to. The choice to get up and go to the gym is so much easier not then it use to be. I love that I can push myself a little more each day and feel the success in the way my body responds. I need to be patient. I know that my outward appearance will eventually match up with what I feel on the inside. I will get there. I just need to keep pushing every day. The more I do the more ups I will have. The downs will get farther apart and I wall have far fewer moments of crying in the gym parking lot. I think that the next thing that I really need to focus on is patience. That's going to be a hard one for me too. Here you go my 1 month before and after.